People are hurting in this world, and three days ago I wasn’t exactly having the best time myself… but today I want all to take heart, take a chill pill, and take it easy.  You don’t have to go to church, you don’t have to mow the lawn, you just have to treat yourself right and gather the courage to do the same for others.  So have the beverage or substance of your choice, read some Calvin and Hobbes, and listen to a little loving care from me.

Who am I you ask?  No one and everyone… I’m your brother, your sister, your friend’s cat, your enemy’s dog— it doesn’t matter… if you need an image to latch onto, I have provided a form that some may find pleasing, and others may find a source of fuel for many nightmares to come— that’s the price you pay for specificity, and being a n00b with MSPaint.
We need to get a little old-fashioned compassion back into the foreground of our minds, people, maybe a little tough love, but in addition to that, direct, open communication:  you bother me, I tell you to stop; you treat me right, I say keep going.  Pretty simple stuff, right?  You’d be surprised… or maybe you wouldn’t!  How many times has any of us discovered much to our chagrin that we were heading down the wrong path with our discourse— second-hand, after-the-fact, and long after our reputations were tarnished?  Too many.  

So I propose some reasonable guidelines for discourse that require no censorship, just common sense and respect.  Let us speak angry words when we are angry, but let us not bring our sweet rides to a screeching halt with the following speed-bumps:
Hey, Jews and gentiles— kindly get your shit together!  ’jew’ is not a verb, and ’shiksa’ is not a harmless word that means non-jewish woman— you both know these facts, but some of you still aren’t getting the message, so I will spell it out for you:  when you seek to damage an entire group of people by referring to them as notoriously cheap or objectified as unclean meat, you are acting like a bigot, so stop doing that.
Anybody remember when Sarah Silverman did that bit about not wanting to get picked for jury duty and choosing the least objectionable disqualifier, “I love chinks!”?  That was a funny joke!  I got it!  And for the record, I also happen to love chinks; and not to sound biased, but kikes are pretty dope too.

Which brings us to the !@#$%^&*-word, and i know “things happen,” and you were raised better, and you just got used to hearing all your friends or co-workers say it, and you “didn’t mean anything by it,” but at some point I have to ask— would a little self control kill you?  Find a way to keep the n-word the champagne of ethnic slurs:  either to celebrate your own heritage on special occasions, or the road of excess that leads to the palace of wisdom that is a well-deserved hangover.

The !@#$%^&*-word describes my mom since it literally refers to a female dog without a hysterectomy, and since “the Son of Dog is Man’s best friend,” why would you want to be ragging on my mom and trying to diss me?  All I’m saying is, “if you wanna fuck me, first ya gotta kiss me…”  I am always here for you, so there is no way to say Jesus Chris in vain— but verb, noun, or any other part of language, the b-word is most certainly in vain and used by the kind of person who forgets that at least fifty percent of the planet is not male.  
Not only that, but they need to acknowledge that the web is not just twenty year old white males and that the aforementioned fifty percent gets treated like a victim class with the added bonus of domestic slavery, so the next time you want to show how edgy you are by loving a movie filled with rape scenes, think twice or three times if that’s what it takes.

And speaking of douchebags… how can I say this?  After a while, calling people d-bags and neckbeards doesn’t really solve anything.  The people who meet the criteria don’t see themselves that way, and neatly compartmentalizing people into boxes just allows d-bag and neckbeard behavior to thrive in other quarters; the ‘normals’ will do douchey things in complete denial of their own behavior because they don’t fit the stereotype, and the neckbeards will get an out-sized persecution complex.  Just take my word on that one.

When is it okay to say cocksucker?  Every minute of every day, as long as it’s a compliment.  As in, “Damn, boyy/gurrl/whatev., that was some top-notch fellatio— you are the best cocksucker!”

How about carpet-muncher?  Same deal— licking cunt is never not fly.

Maybe don’t shame parents about bad kids— they know they’re bad.  I truly believe that for every parent who’s proud of their hell-raiser, there are 99 who are clinging to their last shred of dignity and they don’t need unsolicited advice in public places.  In fact, if you want to worry about kids, you’d be doing something good to keep an eye on the ones who are creepily well-behaved in public… not saying they all go into Skinner boxes at night, but something is up.
Also, and this is so minor, but even death can be achieved by a thousand tiny cuts—quit saying, “pawn off”— the turn of phrase is “palm off,” as in to “hand off”— to pawn is to temporarily benefit monetarily by sacrificing something, but to palm off means to dispose of to a dupe— I’m sorry, but I can only be so chill before that one gets to me.