People are hurting in this world, and three days ago I wasn’t exactly having the best time myself… but today I want all to take heart, take a chill pill, and take it easy. You don’t have to go to church, you don’t have to mow the lawn, you just have to treat yourself right and gather the courage to do the same for others. So have the beverage or substance of your choice, read some Calvin and Hobbes, and listen to a little loving care from me.
Which brings us to the !@#$%^&*-word, and i know “things happen,” and you were raised better, and you just got used to hearing all your friends or co-workers say it, and you “didn’t mean anything by it,” but at some point I have to ask— would a little self control kill you? Find a way to keep the n-word the champagne of ethnic slurs: either to celebrate your own heritage on special occasions, or the road of excess that leads to the palace of wisdom that is a well-deserved hangover.
The !@#$%^&*-word describes my mom since it literally refers to a female dog without a hysterectomy, and since “the Son of Dog is Man’s best friend,” why would you want to be ragging on my mom and trying to diss me? All I’m saying is, “if you wanna fuck me, first ya gotta kiss me…” I am always here for you, so there is no way to say Jesus Chris in vain— but verb, noun, or any other part of language, the b-word is most certainly in vain and used by the kind of person who forgets that at least fifty percent of the planet is not male.
And speaking of douchebags… how can I say this? After a while, calling people d-bags and neckbeards doesn’t really solve anything. The people who meet the criteria don’t see themselves that way, and neatly compartmentalizing people into boxes just allows d-bag and neckbeard behavior to thrive in other quarters; the ‘normals’ will do douchey things in complete denial of their own behavior because they don’t fit the stereotype, and the neckbeards will get an out-sized persecution complex. Just take my word on that one.
When is it okay to say cocksucker? Every minute of every day, as long as it’s a compliment. As in, “Damn, boyy/gurrl/whatev., that was some top-notch fellatio— you are the best cocksucker!”
How about carpet-muncher? Same deal— licking cunt is never not fly.